


handstanding heart

by pentateen



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Happy Ending, M/M, Minor Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan, Supposed to be between Oh my and Home Promos, but the time is a little off, jihoon is Whipped, kind of mutual pining i guess?, like really whipped, slight angst, soonyoung is a great best friend, wonwoo is a legend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2020-01-22 21:32:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18535885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pentateen/pseuds/pentateen
Summary: “There is no topic. I haven’t been acting any different from the way I always do. You’re imagining things, Soonyoung”, Jihoon really whished that this would be it for this conversation.But Soonyoung wouldn’t be Soonyoung, if he just simply gave up. He sighed out loud, pulling his brown hair back and putting his cap on top of his head again.“You, my dear friend, have always been a horrible liar. Wonwoo, take him down.”Confusion was displayed on Jihoon’s face when Wonwoo nodded and got up, brushing the non-existent dust from his jeans and adjusting the specs on his nose, brown mop of hair a mess, cheeks slightly flushed.____________Or the one in which Jihoon has a big fat crush on Mingyu and is trying his best to hide it (spoiler alert: he fails miserably).





	handstanding heart

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> I want to take this time to thank my wonderful friend Marjo for helping me write this! If it wasn't for her I would have never finished this. So, thank you!
> 
> Also thanks to my other amazing friend Helle who planted the seed that is jigyu in my head. You rock!
> 
> And now, enjoy this mess that I've been working on for way too long!

Staying home and doing nothing once promotions were over was all Jihoon could think about. All his members noticed that, of course, the way he was singing along to the music on the radio, tapping his foot to the beat after their last finished schedule of the promotions of their newest album. Now, a two-week break was ahead of them, a two-week break of absolutely no schedules, no managers nagging at them to post on social media – just plain good old _nothing_. Or at least for Jihoon it was. He didn’t know what his members had planned, if they were staying at the dorm like he was, or returning home, maybe even go on a vacation.

Once they arrived at their dorm that night, Jihoon sped to his and Mingyu’s shared room, climbed up the stairs to his bed and laid down, a relieved sigh escaping his lips. This was were he loved to be. His bed, shoes off, socks about to. Comfortable mattress beneath him. No sound except of him tapping on his phone. The most peaceful-

“It’s break time, wouuuuuh!”

Jihoon dropped his phone onto his face.

“Hyung! Why did you drop your phone? Silly!”, Mingyu stood next to Jihoon’s bed, a big smile plastered on his face. Jihoon picked up said phone from the mattress next to him and tried his best not to wince from the pain. Instead, he gave Mingyu an annoyed look and shooed him away with his hand.

“Don’t you have anyone else you can annoy?”, he said turning around on his left side, so he didn’t have to face the younger boy anymore.

“Ah, hyung, don’t be mean”, Jihoon could literally see Mingyu’s pout in his head and rolled his eyes.

“Not being mean”, was his mumbled response and he opened his SoundCloud app to check if anyone had uploaded anything new these past few days.

Mingyu, meanwhile, had probably turned around to fetch clothes from his closet and change. Jihoon could only guess if the younger boy was changing into something comfy or dressing up to go out. If he was honest, he also didn’t really care. Not right now, when he was so happy to be home, on his bed, without any worries about having to get up early. A smile appeared on his lips, just thinking about it.

“So, you’re really just gonna stay home for two weeks, hyung?”, Mingyu’s voice made the smile disappear again. Groaning, Jihoon turned around again and sat up.

“Got a problem with tha-“, he started, but stopped in the midst of his sentence when he spotted Mingyu standing between their beds, bare chest and Calvin Klein briefs the only thing on his toned body.

“Oh god, why don’t you tell me you’re practically naked, Mingyu”, he grimaced, throwing one of his pillows at the younger boy, who gasped for air, catching the pillow in the last second.

“Since when do you care?”, he just asked, throwing the pillow back at him. Then, he turned around to grab clothes and judging by how long it took him to chose something, Jihoon placed his bets on Mingyu getting ready to go out. Not that he cared. He still didn’t care.

 

Don’t get him wrong – Jihoon _did c_ are about his members, in fact they were the ones most important to him, but right now Jihoon couldn’t get himself to care about anything else but his well-deserved break filled with nothing but him and him and him.

“Minghao and I are going out, hyung. You wanna join?”, Mingyu simply asked that because he was polite, not because he truly believed Jihoon would say yes. Which today, as well as all the other times before, he did not. He just tried shooing the other out of the room, mumbling a “have fun and now get out” under his breath.

Mingyu laughed.

“Goodnight, Jihoon hyung.”

And when the door fell closed behind him, Jihoon finally felt like he could breathe again.

 

The first few days were a blast. Jihoon was mostly in his room, only got out to eat or ask one of the maknaes to get him something.

He also had his room to himself most days as Mingyu decided to hang out a lot with his friends and even visited his family for a weekend.

It was the fifth day of their vacation when Jihoon’s mind betrayed him.

 

Happy as ever, Jihoon stepped out of the shower in his and Mingyu’s shared bathroom and went back to his room, rubbing his hair with the towel. Something was playing on his phone, a radio show or maybe a podcast, he didn’t exactly know, but it had been in his recommended as (and he wasn’t entirely proud of that) the MCs were talking about Seventeen in this episode, or so the title said.

He had listened while he had taken that shower and now that he was back in his room, he was about to shut it off to listen to some music Vernon had suggested, when the female MC suddenly said something that made Jihoon stop in his motion.

“You know, I hate talking about stuff like this because I never ever wanna judge musicians by their looks. Seventeen might be idols, but they have so much more in store than their good looks. But, I gotta say, that Kim Mingyu, woah, he is so handsome.”

Jihoon knew that, obviously. Mingyu was their visual member, was talked about being handsome everywhere they went. For some reason, though, Jihoon couldn’t turn the audio off.

“They all are, yes, absolutely. But Mingyu, he is something else. It’s something about his aura – I have actually met them once, they came to the show a few years ago, and even though they were much younger than they are now, Mingyu always seemed to be this very polite young boy with the face of a Greek god, ah, I feel so weird saying that! Anyways, he seems to be very nice and down to earth, and his looks are outstanding, his skin is beautiful, and his eyes are something else, oh god, I am blabbering, aren’t I? I’ll just say one more thing, I am sure those eyes can see right into your soul and touch it. He seems like someone who can just do that, you know? Ah, so weird!”

An ad started playing and finally Jihoon was able to turn the video off.

He stared at his phone for a few seconds, maybe even minutes, not able to shake this feeling off. What feeling, he didn’t really know, it was like something was blocking his mind, or maybe it was his own mind blocking itself, to find the answer.

He was happy Mingyu wasn’t coming back to the dorms until tomorrow noon. And he couldn’t even really say why.

 

When morning came, Jihoon went to the kitchen, much earlier than he usually would, and found Josh and Jeonghan sitting at the table, Josh scrolling through his phone and Jeonghan sneakily stealing a piece of kimchi from his boyfriend’s plate.

“You really think I didn’t see that?”, Josh just said to that, not looking up from his phone. Jeonghan chocked on his stolen food and Jihoon came up behind him, beating his back a few times to help him recover.

“Ah, hyung, shouldn’t you know better by now?” he just said once Jeonghan stopped coughing and went to the fridge to get himself some juice.

“Jihoon, you’re up early?”, Joshua said, looking at him now, eyebrows raised.

Jihoon filled a glass with orange juice and took a big sip, thinking about what he should say. The truth was impossible because then he would have to admit to having crazy dreams about Mingyu, the annoying brat, the boy who was so full of himself everyone was ready to beat his ass, like, constantly.

When he swallowed the juice, he wiped his mouth with his hand and cleared his throat.

“Bad dreams”, he said then, not really lying but also not really telling the truth. If the dreams were bad, was definitely up to the viewer.

“Aw, did you dream about the break being over and you having to actually leave the house again?”, Joshua grinned at him and Jihoon presented him with a roll of his eyes, which made Joshua gasp.

“Did you just roll your eyes at your hyung, Jihoon-ah? I am deeply offended.”

Jihoon walked over to the table, grabbed the milk Joshua had used for his coffee and walked back to the isle, getting himself some cereal and a bowl. He was feeling this international breakfast today, his stomach seemed to not be good with anything more, anyways, as it turned a bit looking at the kimchi and rice on the table.

“Are you okay, Jihoon-ah? You look a little pale”, Jeonghan got up, his chair making this horrible noise as it slid over the floor and made his way to Jihoon. Without a warning, he put his hand on Jihoon’s forehead.

“What the-“, Jihoon wanted to swear, but Jeonghan sushed him, frowning.

“Ah, well, you don’t have a fever. But maybe you should try to catch some more sleep, nevertheless”, he patted Jihoon on the shoulder and went back to the table, sitting down and making the noise again.

“If only I could”, Jihoon mumbled, getting his cereal ready, finishing his juice and going back to his room. Josh and Jeonghan didn’t stop him.

 

Despite all the worries and thoughts Jihoon had, he fell asleep about half an hour later, his bowl safely put on the top stair of his bunk bed and found himself in a dream he truly wished he didn’t have.

 

In his dream, Mingyu was sitting opposite him on the bed, legs crossed and face bare. Jihoon realized then, that Mingyu looked the prettiest to him, when he was not wearing any make-up.

“Do you like me, hyung?”, Mingyu asked. Jihoon tilted his head.

“Of course”, he answered.

“No, hyung, I mean…”, the way Mingyu blushed made Jihoon’s heart do a handstand.

“I mean, do you _like_ me?”, he emphasized the word “like” this time and Jihoon got it, he being the blushing one now.

“W-why are you asking me that?”, he asked, stuttering, voice shaky.

Mingyu looked him straight in the eyes now, his own eyes sparkling like the stars you couldn’t see from here, from the busy city of Seoul.

“Because, hyung, I like you. A lot, actually”, when he leaned forward, Jihoon could swear this was real, that he could really feel Mingyu’s breath on his face, his lips.

“Are you gonna kiss me?”, dream-Jihoon asked.

And instead of answering, Mingyu did exactly that.

 

Jihoon woke up, sweat on his forehead. He stared at his ceiling with wide eyes, chest heaving rapidly.

What the _fuck_?

Jihoon had had his fair share of dreams about his members, this was unavoidable as he spent almost every day of his life with them, but never once had he had a dream like this one, something that had felt so real, that had made him wake up in a more ore less cold sweat.

 _This_ was on a whole other level.

 _This_ could cause some actual trouble. Trouble in the form of Jihoon developing an actual crush and not being able to concentrate on anything else.

He could kind of imagine what Joshua and Jeonghan had went through a year ago, all this anxiety about liking a member of their own group in a way they shouldn’t.

Just that, in their case, the crush was not one-sided. They had at least known that the other one was gay as well, Jihoon did not have that certainty.

And now, Josh and Jeonghan were happy and making everyone sick with how cute they acted, all aegyo and pet-names and shit. Of course, only when no manager was around, when it was just them and the members and no one else. Which, and you could ask each and everyone of them, was not an easy thing to do.

How many times they had to jump in front of Josh and Jeonghan kissing or just hugging a little too long for outsider’s points of views – Jihoon couldn’t even count.

 

What Jihoon was thinking about was easy. Hiding one relationship was hard enough, but two?

And why, in god’s name, did he even think of a relationship?

“Fuck this”, he put his hands on his face and held back the urge to scream. At him, at the world, at his stupid heart.

It was _one_ dream, right? Just one. No need to panic. It wasn’t like he was full on in love with Mingyu all of a sudden. Mingyu was his dongsaeng. His friend. His member. Not someone he was in love with.

The door swung open suddenly and Jihoon jerked up, regretting it the same second.

There he stood, Kim Mingyu in all his glory.

Black jeans, white shirt tucked in, grey blazer and a necklace. His face decorated with a smile, Jihoon was sure had every single one of their fans wrapped around his finger.

“Guess who’s back!”, Mingyu said, throwing his bag onto his bed. Jihoon only now had the sudden realization that Mingyu was his _roommate_. All the color dropped from his face.

“Welcome back”, he quietly responded to not stay mute. Thankfully, Mingyu was too busy going to the bathroom to unpack his make-up and skin care stuff to notice the sudden change in Jihoon’s face.

Without hesitation, Jihoon jumped off his bed, or at least tried to, but he had forgotten about the bowl he had put there earlier, which caused him to trip and fall hard onto the ground.

The _thumb_ noise his fall made was only topped by the shattering of glass when the bowl hit the floor, leaving shards all over their floor.

“Hyung!”, Mingyu was there quicker than Jihoon was able to grasp and only then did he realize that his hand hurt like hell, paired with a sharp sting in his hip.

 

Jihoon insisted on not going to the hospital but just have someone come to their dorm. Their manager agreed, even if it was with gritted teeth. They surely didn’t need the press to see him go to the hospital and asking questions.

“I have told you times and times again, do not put any dishes on that step”, he was scolded by their manager who soon after left to get the doctor.

Jihoon would have loved for him to take the only other person who currently was at the dorm with him, but nope, he was here. Right in front of him. Looking at his hand which now had a pretty deep cut right through its palm.

“You can be happy it’s your left hand, hyung”, Mingyu bit his lip, as he kept pushing a cloth onto the wound, making Jihoon hiss.

“Why did you even want to leave the room so quickly that you didn’t see the bowl, huh?”

Every fiber of Jihoon wished Mingyu had not just asked this question.

He surely couldn’t tell him the truth and he surely couldn’t lie because he was a horrible liar and he had already lied to two of his members today, something he would rather not do, so there was only one other option.

“I don’t know”, it was a mumble and Mingyu looked up quickly, directly into Jihoon’s eyes and the latter felt something he had felt not that long ago, back in his dream. His heart was making a handstand. If that was even something hearts did.

“Did you hit your head as well?”, Mingyu stood up, not letting go off Jihoon’s injured hand and taking a look at the elder’s head with his free hand.

“Mingyu-ah, please, I’m fine. I just… I don’t know. It was dumb, I could have just gone down normally. I really don’t know why I felt the need to rush like that”, he pulled on Mingyu’s blazer so that he would sit back down and so he did, not without eyeing Jihoon suspiciously first.

“And you’re really sure your head is okay, hyung?”

“Yes. One hundred percent.”

At least, so Jihoon thought, on the outside it’s okay. Because he has no control about it’s inside whatsoever.

“Good. But if it starts hurting tell me. Jesus, hyung, why must you worry me like that, huh?”, Mingyu did something then that Jihoon normally wouldn’t accept just like this, but he was too shocked to do anything about it.

Mingyu raised his hand and caressed Jihoon’s cheek with his knuckles, petting his soft skin with his own and making Jihoon shudder in the process.

“Are you cold, hyung? Do you need a blanket?”, Mingyu’s worry was back. Jihoon coughed.

“I, uh, a little, yeah”, this was definitely a better explanation than “no, your small touch just did that to me”.

Mingyu got up, telling Jihoon to put pressure on his wound himself for as long as he went to get a blanket, and disappeared into their room.

Somehow, and Jihoon really couldn’t explain why, he missed Mingyu already.

 

When his hand was all stitched up and almost all of his members had shaken their heads at him, Jihoon could kind of concentrate on other things again. Or at least so he thought.

He hadn’t calculated his ever-growing feelings for his tree of a roommate.

It all would have been way easier, if Mingyu hadn’t decided to stay home and go out only once a week instead of every second night.

When Jihoon had casually asked the younger why that was, he had just answered that “ah, well, hyung, I noticed that I’m getting tired easily. That’s it” and the puppy smile on his lips afterward had made Jihoon stop question anything.

 

A few days later, Jihoon found out that maybe he should have kept asking Mingyu after all.

Jihoon really had not wanted to eavesdrop on Mingyu and Minghao and he was pretty sure they both thought he was either asleep or listening to music through the headphones on his head, but truth was, Jihoon was wide awake with a heart beating rapidly in his chest.

“I just don’t get why all of the sudden?”, Minghao said and the sigh in his voice made Jihoon roll his eyes. Yeah, because it is _so_ horrible to just not go out.

“I told you already, I just don’t feel like partying anymore. What if we do get recognized and photographers come?”, Mingyu answered.

“Ah, please, that never bothered you before? Again, why all of the sudden? And this time, don’t lie to me.”

The silence that followed made Jihoon nervous. He felt like he was missing out on something (even though he wasn’t supposed to be hearing this anyways) and he wished he was turned the other way so he could try to sneak an eye open and look at them, but he was lying on the other side, back turned on them.

Only, when Mingyu spoke and the words reached Jihoon’s ears, his eyes opened wide in shock and his heart stopped beating for a second.

“Fine. I want to look after Jihoon hyung, he seems kind of off these last few days, like that injury? That’s so unlike him. I am worried, I just… I feel like it’s my fault? Something I did or said made him jump like that.”

“What? What did you say?”

“I don’t know, he said he doesn’t remember why he wanted to get off the bed so quickly. But, Minghao, he did it the _second_ I walked in. So, I can just guess that it was something I did before, and he just didn’t want to see me?”

Mingyu thought he did something w _rong_? Jihoon wanted to swear. Jump off this bed again and swear at this dumbass for being so stupid.

“Mingyu, I am sure you didn’t do anything wrong. And Hyung probably really just, I don’t know, saw a spider or some shit and fell of the bed because of that.”

“Yeah, well, he never mentioned a spider or anything. So, until he doesn’t tell me what the real reason is, which I don’t think he ever will, I’ll just assume it was something I did. And because of that, I will not let him out of my sight. So, if you excuse me, I want to read this.”

 

When the door closed behind a defeated Minghao, the only things Jihoon could hear were the beat of his own heart, quick and heavy, and the sound of book pages turning once in a while.

He could also hear his own thoughts, but he decided to ignore them because letting them in now would make him confess everything to Mingyu and that, yeah, that would be a very bad idea. Mingyu might have been worried about him, but that’s just what a good friend did. It didn’t have to mean anything. In fact, it most probably didn’t. Mingyu was just his friend. His member. Nothing else.

Or so Jihoon wanted to think.

 

 

-

 

Maybe thinking that no one was ever gonna notice his behavior had been kind of stupid.

Once the break was over and everyone was back to their regular comeback preparing schedule, more than just a few eyes were able to observe the situation. And it truly wasn’t a secret that Soonyoung just _knew_ Jihoon and would notice changes in his usual behavior in less than a blink of an eye.

So, here Jihoon was now, all cuddled up into an way too big hoodie Mingyu had been kind enough to lend him (after Jihoon had said that he really wished he had something to snuggle into when he was busy with writing songs in the studio that night), with Soonyoung and Wonwoo sitting on the couch next to him, arms crossed and eyebrows raised.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about”, Jihoon finally said after having been accused of acting “totally different” for the past few weeks.

“Stop lying. If someone would notice, it’s me”, Soonyoung said.

“What is he doing here then?”, Jihoon pointed at Wonwoo.

“I tell him everything. Now, back to the topic.”

Jihoon groaned, shaking his head.

“There is no topic. I haven’t been acting any different from the way I always do. You’re imagining things, Soonyoung”, Jihoon really whished that this would be it for this conversation.

But Soonyoung wouldn’t be Soonyoung, if he just simply gave up. He sighed out loud, pulling his brown hair back and putting his cap on top of his head again.

“You, my dear friend, have always been a horrible liar. Wonwoo, take him down.”

Confusion was displayed on Jihoon’s face when Wonwoo nodded and got up, brushing the non-existent dust from his jeans and adjusting the specs on his nose, brown mop of hair a mess, cheeks slightly flushed.

“Well, Lee Jihoon. You have been your usual self until about the end of the first week of our break. At that time you cut your hand after falling from your bed, which for some reason, you wanted to escape. Witnesses say that the only other person at home that time was non other than your own roommate, Kim Mingyu”, Wonwoo started walking around the small studio, hands clasped before his chest. Soonyoung grinned widely, while Jihoon just stared at him with an open mouth.

“Now, we don’t want to jump to conclusions too quickly here, but we have different pieces of evidence that do imply that you, Lee Jihoon, are indeed in love with Kim Mingyu”, before Jihoon could say anything, Wonwoo held up his hand, shaking his head slightly, “exhibit one: the infamous fall. You fell, according to Mr. Kim, exactly thirty seconds after he came back to your room, after being gone for a weekend. When asked later why you fell, you claimed you didn’t remember which, in our opinion, is proper bullshit. Moving on”, Wonwoo cleared his throat, “Exhibit two, the other day when we were playing board games, the ones you normally take _very_ seriously because for some reason you just can’t ever lose, you actually cheered for Mingyu when he won. In fact, you seemed to be so happy about Mingyu’s win that you went and bought him ice cream. Yeah, Jihoon, he told us about that. Thought he wouldn’t? Well, thought wrong. He was so excited about his hyung being so happy about his win, he just had to share it. I mean, it _is_ indeed _very_ cute, but, and that’s the point, you would usually never ever do that. So, again, why would you, if there wasn’t a specific reason? Like, hmm, a crush maybe?”

Jihoon felt himself shrinking more and more in his seat, hoping the hoodie would just swallow him whole.

“And, exhibit three”, Wonwoo came to a sudden halt and smirked at Jihoon, his hand now pointing at the tiny boy, “you are wearing his clothes right now. You _hate_ sharing clothes because we always make fun of you for never fitting in ours and us always being too tall for yours.”

It was alarming, the way Wonwoo just stated all this Jihoon had been so sure no one had noticed. Well, yeah, the excuse that he simply didn’t remember why he fell down the bed that day had been kind of, uhm, unbelievable – but the rest?

Thinking about it now, the ice cream might have been a bit too much. And of course Mingyu would brag about this special treatment from the normally so grumpy hyung. Jihoon couldn’t even be mad at the younger boy, like, he had really tried. But even seeing him winning the boardgame had made him feel happy for Mingyu instead of his usual annoyance at losing.

“How do you know this is Mingyu’s? Could be Seungcheol hyung’s or Seokmin’s. They’re tall as well”, it was actually no use, he knew that.

Wonwoo raised an eyebrow (yeah, just _one_ , Jihoon was enormously jealous) and glanced over to Soonyoung, who’s mouth had dropped a little bit.

“Really now?”, Wonwoo finally said, shaking his head.

For a second Jihoon thought about claiming that the hoodie belonged to him, but he realized soon that this would just make him look even more pathetic. So instead, he decided to sink even deeper into his chair.

“I’m still not admitting to anything. I do _not_ like Mingyu. At least not like _that_.”

Wonwoo and Soonyoung shared another look, driving Jihoon near to insane, but he stayed quiet.

“Right”, Wonwoo rolled his eyes and sat back down next to Soonyoung, who was eyeing Jihoon with a careful look. Jihoon didn’t like it and turned away, staring at his computer screen now.

“Jihoonie, do you wanna play a game?”, Soonyoung then asked after a small while of silence, a small while Jihoon had actually hoped he could get some more work done. Groaning, he turned around again, a frown on his face.

“Seriously? A game?”

“Yeah. Just a small one. Wanna play?”

Jihoon snorted.

“How does it work?”

“It’s easy, really”, Soonyoung moved to the edge of the seat, leaning forward and looking straight into Jihoon’s face, leaving the smaller boy a little dumbfounded.

“I’ll just ask you questions, and you’ll tell me the answer as quick as you possibly can”, he explained and Jihoon frowned a little more. What the hell?

“Uh, I guess? Sure”, he tried to relax a little more in his seat and leaned back, pulling his legs up onto the chair with him.

“Great”, Soonyoung clapped his hands once, “let’s start. And don’t forget, no thinking. Just quick answers.”

In retrospect – Jihoon really asked himself how he didn’t see it coming.

“Yeah, yeah”, Jihoon made a hand movement, telling his friend to just start.

And so Soonyoung did.

“What was our debut song?”

“Adore You.”

“Where is Seungkwan from?”

“Jeju.”

“How old are you?”

“24.”

“What color does milk have?”

“White.”

“What’s our companies name.”

“Pledis.”

“What are our fans called?”

“Carats.”

“Who are you in love with?”

“Mingyu.”

Jihoon gasped, Soonyoung jumped up from his seat and Wonwoo just grinned widely, clapping his hands.

“As if that just worked, I can’t fucking believe it”, Wonwoo shook his head laughing and leaned back again, resting his hands on his stomach.

“Ah, yet again, I have proven to be the most amazing, well, the most amazing human”, Soonyoung patted himself on the shoulder, smirking down at Jihoon who had placed his hand on top of his wide dropped mouth, eyes full of shock.

“Jihoon-ah, you should have just come clean when I asked you. This is way more embarrassing”, Wonwoo gave Jihoon a pitiful look and now Jihoon appeared to finally come back to his senses.

“Fuck you, Soonyoung, like, really, just _fuck y_ ou”, he said, getting ready to jump up from his chair and run out, but Soonyoung was quicker, walking in front of him (still that horrendous smirk on his face) and putting his hands on his shoulder.

“Listen here, tiny boy”, the way Jihoon _gasped a_ t that, “I get it, okay? Admitting to your feelings is hard and it’s even harder to say it out loud to actual people. But nevertheless – it’s not like you haven’t been obvious. And it’s also not like there isn’t a chance he doesn’t feel the same. After all he really cares about you, Jihoon. Who says that he doesn’t _like y_ ou back?”

Listening to Soonyoung’s words, Jihoon caught himself having some hope.

But then he thought about how fucking lucky he would have to be for that to actually happen and the thoughts of hope disappeared again.

“It’s impossible. Why would he like _me_? Like, he could have _anyone_ , why would he go for me?”, it was a low move, Jihoon was aware, but this demon had planted it’s seed a long time ago and it surely wouldn’t leave all of a sudden because Soonyoung said something his own (not demon infested side of) brain had tried telling him several times.

Once again, Jihoon regretted his blatant honesty when he saw the look on his friends faces. He sighed, pulling a hand through his hair.

“Shit, I didn’t mean it like that, god damn, I-“, he shook his head and looked up at Soonyoung and then back down at Wonwoo.

“Jihoon-ah”, Soonyoung said, voice soft, “it’s okay. We don’t want to tell you how to feel, that’s not what we’re here for. It’s your feelings, your life. If you’re not ready to talk to Mingyu just yet, then don’t. But please – be aware that you are worthy of anyone’s love, _including_ Mingyu.”

Even if he wouldn’t say it out loud, those words were exactly what Jihoon had needed to hear without even realizing it. He immediately calmed down and he nodded his head, relaxing a little more, only now taking notice of how stiff he had been.

“Do you want us to leave?”, Wonwoo asked then, cautiously. After thinking about it for a second, Jihoon shook his head.

“No, stay. I’ll get some work done and you can just… be annoying. As always.”

The smile Jihoon showed them now was the first sincere smile in a while.

 

-

 

The following weeks felt like years to Jihoon; practice was harder than before and even though Jihoon had _plenty_ of inspiration for sad songs, it was no use since the company wanted something emotional, something that took the fan’s hearts by storm – not a sad love song, but a song making them feel at _home_.

Jihoon wasn’t the biggest fan of getting told what to do and their vice president told him plenty of times that he didn’t have to follow the president’s wishes as the latter was pleased with basically anything Jihoon ever produced – but Jihoon did it anyways, thinking of how he wanted the fans to feel, how he himself wanted to feel, especially in winter.

The new year had begun and Jihoon had hoped with the old year his crush would disappear too, but no, as fate wished his crush had developed into something bigger and brighter, into something that left him sleepless and made him eat fewer, something that had him at a loss for words, even writing lyrics seemed impossible because there simply weren’t any _words_ to describe what he felt, _how_ he felt whenever Mingyu was near him.

It was like in those super cheesy romance novels when the protagonist (who was mostly female because boys couldn’t feel that way, _obviously)_ forgot to breathe when their crush was close to them, just that it was worse than that. Jihoon forgot to breathe and caught himself drowning in Mingyu’s puppy eyes more than once. He also caught himself calling Mingyu a puppy in his head and immediately questioned his sanity even more.

Honestly, it would have been great if it had just stopped there, if Jihoon had just found Mingyu puppy like – but no.

As of recently, Jihoon had started to work out again and, to his horror, Mingyu had decided to join. He had been slacking off, at least that’s what he had said.

And it would have been a big fat lie if Jihoon had said that he didn’t notice just how _good_ Mingyu looked. Tanned skin, clear as the sky in summer, combined with defined arms and abs, as well as a back Jihoon couldn’t stop staring at even when he tried like really hard.

Mingyu was ridiculously attractive and Jihoon wished he could hate him for it but as nearly everyone around them was aware of, it was quite the opposite.

 

It was almost time for their comeback, everyone was either busy sleeping or going over the choreo one more time, when Jihoon dragged Soonyoung out to go the gym.

“Please, Jihoon-ah, let me sleep, I am so tired”, Soonyoung cried.

“Nope. You promised me this morning, remember? And you also know that I hate going alone.”

The last sentence barely left his mouth, when another voice chimed behind them.

“If you want, I can go with you, hyung. If Soonyoung hyung is too tired, I mean.”

Jihoon felt his heart drop even lower than his feet. It literally dropped down onto the floor and was now rolling behind him and only came to a stop when it arrived right in front of Mingyu’s feet.

“Oh! That is a great idea, Mingyu-ah! Don’t you think so too, Jihoonie?”, Jihoon could literally feel the sudden energy radiating from Soonyoung’s body and yet he was sure his friend would not suddenly decide to go with them.

Jihoon turned around to Mingyu who was standing in the frame to their room, hands shoved into his pockets. He looked all cute with dark red sweatpants and a black hoodie that was even too big for him. His hair was ruffled, and it took all the strength in Jihoon not to pull his hand through it.

“Yeah, I mean, sure, if you want to, you can of course join me, Mingyu-ah”, Jihoon smiled, hoping it didn’t look fake or somehow tormented.

The way Mingyu smiled now, though, proved once again that Jihoon _was_ good at faking it.

Soonyoung, meanwhile, couldn’t stop grinning and kept hitting Jihoon’s back as if the latter didn’t know what was happening.

“Stop it”, he hissed at his friend and grabbed for Soonyoung’s arm to pull it away from his back. Soonyoung pouted for a second, before his grin came back, and he looked at Mingyu.

“Well, perfect. Then you two go and I’ll just go to sleep”, for that he yawned loudly, stretching his arms over his head (Jihoon rolled his eyes as wide as he possibly could), “I am really tired. You’re a life saver, Mingyu-ah. Hyung will buy you something good to eat soon, yeah? Now, have fun at training! Bye!”, and with that, and a last wink in Jihoon’s direction, he disappeared.

Left alone with Mingyu in the hallway now, Jihoon cleared his throat.

“Well, uh, are you gonna get your stuff?”, he pointed at his own bag. Mingyu nodded quickly.

“Yes, hyung! I’ll be right there.”

 

 Not even twenty minutes later, the two boys were in the company’s gym, Jihoon running to warm up, while Mingyu was doing stretches on one of the matts on the floor. The music in his ears only poorly helped Jihoon to distract himself from a bending-over Mingyu who then went on to stretch his legs, showing off just how long and tanned they were (as he had decided shorts would be the best thing to train in when it was fucking winter). Honestly, Jihoon couldn’t have picked a worse training partner.

Soon, the older boy decided to go lift some weights and walked over to the machine, apparently just in time for the weight lifting machine to be the perfect place to watch Mingyu do pull ups.

Jihoon’s heart dropped and he felt himself trip over his own feet too late, falling head first onto the weight lifting machine.

 

The pain was bearable, but the embarrassment wasn’t.

“Hyung, where are you with your thoughts?”, Mingyu scolded him as he held an ice pack to the pounding dent on top of Jihoon’s head. Luckily it had been his head to hit the machine instead of his face or chin – those could have gone horribly wrong. But a little dent on his head was okay, just maybe not in his current surrounding.

“I just tripped, that’s all”, Jihoon said, feeling a déjà vu coming up and knowing exactly why.

Apparently, he wasn’t the only one who felt like that.

“This seems familiar, doesn’t it?”, Mingyu smiled and his eyes met Jihoon’s, having the smaller boy melt on the inside, the familiar feeling of his heart doing a handstand appearing once again.

It should have been illegal looking this handsome and being this kind at the same time. Like, it wasn’t _fair_ how Mingyu had all these amazing traits all at once.

“Yeah, it does”, Jihoon said, voice quiet and throat terribly dry.

The younger boy’s gaze drifted somewhere else, somewhere beneath Jihoon’s eyes and for a second the latter thought that maybe Mingyu was looking at his lips, but that would simply be impossible.

Right?

“Hyung”, it was just a whisper but Jihoon heard it loud and clear, felt it creep up his neck and make all of his skin erupt in goosebumps.

“Yes?”, oh god, Mingyu could clearly hear the dryness in his voice, there just was no other way.

“I don’t- I have no idea, well, I mean, this isn’t exactly the right place, you just hurt yourself a _gain_ while I wasn’t paying attention to you and, ah, I feel so bad, I should have watched you and-“

“Why? Why would you watch me, Mingyu? I’m your hyung, I should be taking care of you, not the other way around”, honestly, Jihoon didn’t know where the sudden boost of confidence came from, but he welcomed it with open arms. Mingyu blushed a little bit and Jihoon smiled.

“I- well, yes, I guess so? But I felt horrible after you fell a few months back and I also kind of felt like it was my fault, I know, that’s stupid and you didn’t fall because of me, but… I can’t shake that feeling off”, Mingyu continued to hold the ice against Jihoon’s head and Jihoon was sure that his arm hurt by now, but he didn’t ask him to stop or to hand the ice to him so he could hold it himself, no, instead he just watched Mingyu try to find words, his forehead in slight wrinkles and the corners of his mouth going up and down. It was adorable.

“Hyung, I just, god- how do I say this? Wah, isn’t this like the worst timing ever? It probably is.”

Somehow, essentially in the same retrospect as back then with Soonyoung and his game, Jihoon was too focused on thinking about not doing anything about him and Mingyu, that the thought of something _actually happening_ between him and Mingyu had slipped his mind completely. And that was how he was sitting there, not thinking about what was _obviously_ about to happen, simply because he was determined this was s _o unlikely_.

“Hyung, I like you”, Mingyu finally blurted out, face bright red.

The atmosphere in the room suddenly changed 180 degrees.

“Wh-what?”, Jihoon stared at Mingyu, blinked, repeated the words Mingyu had just said about ten thousand times in his head.

Mingyu, on the other hand, felt awkwardly exposed and shifted on his knees, slowly taking his hand away from Jihoon’s head and placing the ice pack on the bench next to them.

“I- hyung, I said I like you”, he said again.

And Jihoon, _again_ , didn’t understand.

Well, yes, he did understand him, he obviously spoke Korean and wasn’t deaf, but he just didn’t _understand_.

His brain didn’t want to grasp the words truly being said, so it told him that he had imagined them, that Mingyu could have never possibly said it, or at least mean it in the way it was freaking obvious he _did_.

He should have probably said something, but he didn’t. He just stared at the younger, eyes wide, still blinking way more than he needed to, just trying to comprehend. The wheels turning over and over again in his head.

While Jihoon knew that this was happening, though, Mingyu didn’t.

And so, Mingyu took it the completely wrong way.

“I’m sorry”, it came out so quickly that Jihoon had trouble catching it, but in the end it did reach his ears and he did look up in utter surprise, just catching a glimpse of what was Mingyu running out of the gym and god knows where.

 

-

 

That he fucked up would have been the understatement of the year.

It had been _three_ weeks since the incident in the gym and Mingyu had started to ignore Jihoon as good as he possibly could with being followed by cameras everywhere they went, filming for Going Seventeen and diving right into comeback stress.

Jihoon couldn’t find words to describe how much he hated himself for not being able to respond back then, for not understanding what the hell was going on and hurting Mingyu.

Soonyoung had of course been the one to break him out of the bubble of pure denseness, shaking him awake from a dreamless sleep.

“He said he _likes y_ ou and you just sat there saying _nothing_?!”, he had shouted at him when Jihoon had told him what happened.

“I- well, yes”, Jihoon was back at the blinking game, unable to form even one coherent thought.

“Oh my god, you can’t really be that stupid, Jihoon, _please_!”, Soonyoung pulled both of his hands through his hair, “you know what? I’m not even surprised, you’re so in this phase of “no one loves me” shit, that, of course, you wouldn’t _get_ a fucking confession from the boy you love, Jesus Christ.”

Jihoon didn’t take it personal because he knew Soonyoung didn’t mean it the way he had said it. He was sure because Soonyoung never stopped apologizing the day after when he had calmed down and tried to help Jihoon find a solution. But then promotions had started, and their schedule got crazy.

“You are roommates after all, he can’t really ignore you, can he?”, Wonwoo said one day. As it turned out, Mingyu indeed could – he just stayed in Minghao’s room.

 

Jihoon had his face buried in his hands once again, as he sat in his studio. This time he wasn’t alone though, having Wonwoo, Soonyoung, Jun and Seokmin around to pity him. He hated it but it also kind of calmed him down.

“Ah, hyung, you should just talk to him and tell him that you like him too!”, Seokmin said, sitting on the floor and leaning against the wall, a cup of iced coffee in his hands.

Seokmin’s hyungs all looked over at him (well, all except for Jihoon was still staring at the palms of his hands), giving him a pitiful look now.

“Seokmin-ah, if it was that easy, don’t you think he would have done that by now?”, Soonyoung said, tilting his head slightly to the left. Seokmin blushed, shrugging and taking a ship from his iced coffee.

“I guess…”, he mumbled then.

“We just need a moment where you two can actually be alone. We are always around you; the managers are always around you. We have to get up at the ass crack of dawn just to go to sleep at basically the same time”, Jun crossed his arms and started chewing on his bottom lip.

The boys grew quite for a second, only the sound of Seokmin sucking on his straw was heard (but only until Wonwoo gave him an annoyed look and Seokmin put his cup away).

They all felt the same way; angry at Mingyu for not being available when he really needed to be and annoyed at Jihoon for even bringing himself in this situation.

Especially Jihoon was annoyed at himself, screaming into his pillow every other night because he was so frustrated. How many times did he think about running out of his room and into Minghao’s just to drag Mingyu out of there and tell him what was on his mind? How many times did he want to do it and just _didn’t_ because he was a fucking coward? Countless times.

“I mean, it would have been way easier if he wouldn’t have gone sleep in Minghao’s room”, Wonwoo said, shaking his head.

“Well, Minghao told him to sleep in his own room tonight”, Seokmin suddenly said after tossing his cup into the bin next to the desk, “apparently he has a visitor tonight”, a smirk appeared on Seokmin’s face.

“What, who?”, Jun blurted out. Seokmin just shrugged again.

“No idea, he wouldn’t say.”

“Woah, who _cares_?!”, Soonyoung jumped up from the couch, turning to Jihoon.

“Did you hear that? He’s gonna be in your room tonight!”,

Jihoon finally looked up, his eyes red and clear marks of his hands on his face.

“Who says he won’t find another member to share a room with?”, he then said, about to drown his face in his hands again, when Soonyoung grabbed for both his wrists, eyes widened.

“I will make a group chat myself with every member except Mingyu to tell them they cannot let Mingyu stay with them.”

“Ah, yeah, and you really think that would stop them?”, Jihoon said, raising his eyebrows.

“Well, now that you say it. Probably not, when I say it. But who are they scared of the most?”, Soonyoung smirked while Jihoon groaned.

“Jesus Christ, Soonyoung-“,

“It is literally your only shot before Minghao stops having whom ever as a guest for a night and lets Mingyu back into his bed. And who knows? Maybe they’ll get lonely”, the way Soonyoung raised his eyebrows, made Jihoon shiver.

 

Five minutes later, Jihoon had sent a text to every member but Mingyu, telling them not to give Mingyu a place to sleep because he needed to talk to him.

And three hours later, when Jihoon got back to the dorm and arrived at his room, he was greeted with the lights on and quiet music playing.

Immediately, Jihoon’s heart started to beat faster and for a second, he thought of just bailing, going to sleep in Soonyoung’s room or even going to Seokmin, but then he realized that this was probably his one and only shot to talk to Mingyu alone.

And so Jihoon took a deep breath, telling himself it would be alright, that he had went through this many times before in his head, that he just had to open the door to finally get what he wanted, to resolve this situation.

Opening the door turned out to be a challenge though because somehow he just couldn’t move. His feet were rebelling against him, his heart ached in his chest and his brain started forming thoughts he really did not need right now. Once again Jihoon found himself scared of what Mingyu would say which, if he was being rational, was unnecessary, but it was there anyway, telling him Mingyu would take it back, would say he never liked him in the first place and it had only been in the heat of the moment that he had thought this way.

Feeling like this left Jihoon breathless and tired, sad and hurt and he only realized that he had started crying when the door opened and there stood Mingy, a confused look on his beautiful face that changed the second he spotted Jihoon standing there, tears streaming down his face and sobs shaking his small body.

“Hyung, what-“, Mingyu started, reaching out to pull Jihoon closer, but the older boy was quicker, interrupting him and making Mingyu freeze in his motion.

“I like you too, Mingyu”, Jihoon cried, looking up into Mingyu’s eyes, “I like you too and I couldn’t say anything back then because I was so sure I didn’t hear it right, I was so sure you didn’t mean it like _that_ and I am so sorry, Mingyu, I really am so fucking sorry for hurting you”, the tears wouldn’t stop and the sobs got worse, but still, saying it out loud made Jihoon feel better, his heart not aching as much as it did just seconds ago – but of course still doing the familiar handstand whenever Mingyu was around.

“You- what?”, this time it was Mingyu who overdid the blinking. Did he just hear this correctly? Not asking Jihoon to repeat himself though, Mingyu did grab for the older boy’s arm now and pulled him into their room, closing the door behind them and turning around to face him again after.

Jihoon was still a mess and it honestly broke Mingyu’s heart. He had never seen Jihoon like this, had only seen him cry a handful of times, mostly on stage or very rarely out of stress – but this was a whole different level. This was Jihoon showing his most vulnerable side, the one he tried to hide from everyone, the side he never even showed Soonyoung. Mingyu could only guess how Jihoon must have felt.

“I’m so sorry, I totally screwed up, shit”, Jihoon sobbed again, wiping the tears away with the sleeve of his shirt, “you hate me and that’s okay, really, I get it, I messed up big time and- and I just- I just wanted to let you know, I’m not expecting anything, I truly don’t I-“,

He didn’t get much further than that because Mingyu suddenly leaned forward, taking Jihoon’s face in his hands and placing his lips on Jihoon’s.

 

Kissing Mingyu was like a perfect summer day. It was like riding the bike next to Han River with no worries at all. Kissing him felt like nothing could ever hurt again because suddenly everything was just _fine_. There was no care in the world, nothing that could ever break him again. Suddenly, Jihoon was w _hole_.

Their lips moved against each other with ease as if they had never done anything else. Mingyu was still holding onto Jihoon’s face, eyes closed. Jihoon was still standing there, not able to move anything except his lips. After a few moments though, he raised his arms and placed them around Mingyu’s waist, the height difference not really letting him wrap them around Mingyu’s neck as much as he wanted to. Seemingly Mingyu noticed this, a smile running over his lips, and so he moved his hands to Jihoon’s waist as well, easily lifting him up.

Gasping, Jihoon parted from Mingyu, looking at him with wide eyes, legs automatically wrapping around him, arms somehow travelling to Mingyu’s neck after all, casing around it.

Their lips met again, as Mingyu turned around and pressed Jihoon against the door, kissing him harder, tongue meeting lips and making Jihoon shiver. The tears had finally stopped and were replaced by epiphany.

Stroking the back of Mingyu’s neck, Jihoon couldn’t believe what was happening, his heart racing and his skin tingling. It was the best thing he had ever experienced, better than any feeling he had ever felt. Winning awards or being number one on the charts was _nothing c_ ompared to this, to Mingyu holding him tight, kissing him with every bit of love he had for him.

Jihoon knew he would never trade this feeling for anything else in the world.

 

When he and Mingyu parted after what felt like only seconds but had probably been about five minutes, Jihoon was back on his feet, his hands holding tightly onto Mingyu’s arms.

There were no words needed, just them smiling at each other, just them _knowing_ what the other was thinking.

 

Later, when they were on Jihoon’s bed, Mingyu with his arm wrapped around the smaller boy who had his head placed on Mingyu’s chest, Mingyu suddenly gasped.

“Hyung!”, he sat up carefully, leaving Jihoon confused.

“What?”, Jihoon asked, looking at Mingyu now.

“So, you _did_ fall because of me, didn’t you?”, Mingyu pouted, guilt displayed in his eyes.

It took Jihoon a few seconds to register what Mingyu was saying. Then he blushed and cleared his throat.

“I- I mean, kind of. But- but it’s really not your fault, I just… really, it was my fault.”

Mingyu still pouted for a small while, but then his expression turned to a small grin. Jihoon raised his eyebrows.

“So… I guess earlier wasn’t the first time I swept you of your feet, right, hyung?”, the grin turned wider and Jihoon groaned out loud.

“I hate you”, he sighed.

“I know you don’t”, Mingyu replied.

And the way he smiled now, his eyes sparkling and his face all light up – Jihoon could feel his heart doing the handstand again. And he hoped with every fiber of his body that it would never stop doing that.

 

 


End file.
